Kaleidoscope - Thorns and Scent

Two years has passed by, still I remain the same like I used to do before. Maybe there's some changes physically and emotionally but damnt I didn't noticed any of them. I was partly unsure with those changes as time never tells exactly what are those. I really don't have any idea what to say right now for this entry. But one thing should be written and that's my improvement in developing my personality.

If you could just imagine I was been shifting different jobs in just a year. I guess I'm guilty for being a job hoppers. Yes, you heard it.  I think it's part of growing up wherein you wanna find your self acting in different jobs, just to search who you really are. I could say I'm about to find my existence, 50 percent still missing. Though the process was undeniably tiring but fortunate as I taste the tears and happiness of life awaits for me. I've been to turn up side down last years till this very moment. But still holding firmly on that Hope that someday, somewhere I'm gonna find my self. I know you kinda thinking that I'm just roaming around like a kid in town, a dog without an owner, a sheep without a leader. And Yes, you are partially right but logically wrong. I admit I'm on the plain of psychopathic tendency while writing this new entry. I'm proud of it but not loud like the others. It's just a medium to express my emotions and what runs to my dare minds. 

Let's get back to where should this blog goes, Last year while I was about to prepare my pre-employment requirements specifically the medical examination, the doctor got a hint that I might be a poz due to low lymphocytes I got, it's almost below the normal range. She keep on asking me what I've been doing lately and if I have taking any vitamins or drugs. Of course no one have courage to just disclose your status to just any doctors out there unless she's my ID Doctor. I just faced questions through a mere lie to cover up her inquiries and face it with a big smile to show discreetness. I'm glad everything runs fine and she gave me a permit to work for shippingline. And good to go with luck. After a month of working at the port, I find it so stressful, there's always over-time, labor force and reaching your goal -.KPI while I'm exposing my self to hazardous raw materials while working with so clever workmate and careless other. Life at the port is like fighting in a big arena where the most strongest and wisest win without considering what would other felt with their cruel actions. So there I keep in touch with my HR-Manager to disclose their rotten routine while we were on the operation. Honestly, I don't care what they've doing while at work however, it greatly affect the performance of the operation and sometimes, we were scolded for not paying attention to some areas of concern. After of being in troublesome job work, I passed my resignation letter directly to put an end to this rude work and get my pay out. Honestly, until I missed my supervisor because He's very nice and accommodating to me. Sometimes, He won't allow me to be stressed out from work and gave me enough time to have a snap during operation. Just like me, He's also a vocalist before in their band and I admire him for becoming a music lover. Finding a perfect workmate with same passion and same dedication at work is a great feeling anyhow. I missed him so much though after I'm out from work, He still keep in touch with me during that time but now, we lost contact as my phone got busted.

Days and months passed by, I decided to come back on job search and got luck after 3 months, I got hired as an Accounting Staff. It's still puzzled me why that company hired me for that position though in fact I was applying for a logistics position. But it doesn't matter to me that time as I just wanted to spend my time working to aid my boredsome staying at the house. I know it would be a chance to allocate my time at work and add up this position to my future resume making. Since I was assigned at Accounting Department, I really don't have any idea what to do as I didn't imagine my self managing finances, computing, expenses, budgeting, planning for expenses, writing that ledgers and so forth. It took me a week to adapt their system and managing the flow of work. I heard a lot of criticism and bad suggestion but I keep my mind and ears focused on work. However, there were instances I've been face with ridiculous comments and my ego and pride were taken into challenge but I keep my mouth close until my shift ends. Every after work, I just went directly to nearby store to bought beers and beverage to poured out my stresses physically and emotionally. I know it wasn't an healthy way to adapt such stressor but that's the quickest to relieve my self and gained courage to work again. Unfortunately, there some circumstances where you are fully occupied of stress and you have no other way to be relieve but to quit as it was in fact not really your thing. That's the saddest, losing hope to hold on. Yes, I resigned again for the second time around in just a month.

There's lot of unfold stories to come but I guess I'm totally exhausted to continue the stories. Thanks to the "EDIT" mechanism I could get back to where I started here. I'm happy and we all should be.


October 1 - DO MY PART 

 On Monday, I got a chance to give time to my medical needs. It would be memorable to me coz this time, I give importance to Life and I don't wanna waste any gifts God's given to us, POzZie. If I keep going and do my part, get well isn't impossible. I just simply remember what song's tells to us "Kumilos ka, Tibayan ang iyong puso dahil ikaw ang huhubog sa iyong Buhay" - And this songs keep me from pushing "Habang may Buhay, may Pag.asa". 

There's more to life, not this disease will stop me from dreaming. It might be tough this time but God will always be there to cheer me up and I know even you think it's impossible, For HIM - All is Possible - keep believing, burn the faith & be strong  - have HOPE - even Life shows meaningless. 

Not only for POzzie, for all People who lost Hope in their Lives. You know what God always there, HE never ever leave us, Trust me! I assure you..! Do your part and we will make it happen even there's lot of obstacles on the way-  He will guide you, will protect you, will strengthen you along this Journey.

I know it made me cried while writing this entry. I wanna show you Guys... that Life is all about Hope & Love. On the darkest part of our Life, He Leads you going to His light..!. During raining days, He's with you holding a big umbrella to keep you from wet. During nights, He watch you and guard you against mosquito bites. He put sunrise to reach your dreams in Life. Listen to your Heart and He will always be there with you.

        Anyway, At exactly 5:30am I started to have a shower and done when clock turns to 6:00am. Then, Drove thru a Cab going to Philhealth and update and pay my contribution in order for me to have an access to OHAT Package for HIV Filipino. Right after all, Time to go to RITM-ARG for my 1st ever medical mission. It was 10:10am I arrived at Alabang, Cab's driver seems unfamiliar with Alabang but He knews how to get there. If I took the bus via Skyway, it would be 40 to 50 minutes only. Unfortunately, We took the national road just above the skyway. Okay, no time to complain, Focus on the way and get there as soon as possible.

      It was already 10:45am before I found their ARG Room where there already lots of Pozzie. I knew it was Marvin who approached and entertained me right away, asked what's my concerns. After few chit-chat, I immediately handed him my confirmatory result and turn me over to Ma'am Maram, asked my personal details and gave a paper for reading while I'm waiting her, she's been preparing my files for new patient. Then, She explained those test I need to undergone and gave several papers stamped with OHAT Package ( means these test is FREE and paid under this package given to PLHIV), these are the following :

1. Chest -Xray  : is a radiograph of the chest to detect and diagnose the structure and condition affecting the chest, it examine the Lungs mainly. 

Why Chest X-ray is part of baseline laboratory test done for HIV-Patient?

                   Lungs have lots of branches called Bronchi and it's like a tunnel. Bronchi divided into smaller to smaller tubes (bronchioles) till the end air sacs called alveoli- there's 150 million of alveoli each lung. In the alveoli where gas exchange happened inhale O2 going to the bloodstream and exhale CO2 as the waste product of metabolism.

               In the alveoli, you can find numerous number of White Bloods Cells especially T-Lymphocytes serves as the last line of depense of the respiratory system and to protect the Lungs and the Body entirely from airborne disease, droplets germs and other microbes that may invade the system. For HIV, since the WBCs are reduced in numbers, we're very much susceptible to microbes that can be taken by the air - dust, droplets microbes sneezed thru nose & mouth, smoke pollution & other airborne diseases. 

Where's the X-ray Section in the RITM Alabang? it's just beside the Clinical Laboratory. I just made it first as it only take minimal minutes to be done. After X-ray, is Urinalysis.

2. Urinalysis & Fecalysis

Carrying the test request given by Ma'am Maram, just gave it to the Clinic Lab Technician. You can press the Buzzer on the receiving window of the Lab for immediate assistant.

For Fecalysis, technician will give you a small glass container with rubberized cap for Feces collection.
For Urinalysis, technician will give you again another small container with rubberized cap for Urine collection.

You can pass the urine and feces right away. In my case, I only submitted Urine and will submit feces specimen on the next chance - Oct.10. I couldn't imagine my self collecting feces at Public Toilet. It wouldn't work out for me.

3. For Sputum Test will be conducted at Home (3 consecutive times with several hours interval).

Yes, you heard it. You can submit sputum in just a day or 2 days.  My ID doctor said that collect sputum 3 consecutive times with no days interval. Mostly Nurse and Lab Technician will require you to submit 3 sputum made from 1st early morning then 2nd early morning till 3rd early morning (3rd sputum will be conducted at RITM already for fresh delivery of specimen).

In my case,  I collected it at 7pm then 2nd sputum was collected at 5am where you can really expelled a thick yellowish slimy sputum and the 3rd one, was collected at RITM right after i arrived at that morning around 10am and immediately submitted the specimen at the lab, just don't forgot to mark them as : 1st, 2nd & 3rd with your code name.


.......to be continued.......


HIV Allergy without ARVs Drugs :

On September 26 till September 27 - HIV Allergy making me more obvious to be a carrier of HIV. I really don't know the cause it's either because of the Amoxicillin I took past few days due to my tooth extraction or Because of the Fried Fish I eaten the day after September 26. That Early morning, I mirrored a numerous number of red small spots on my upper body down to my anterior part of my arms. It's itchy & red, increased in numbers once I scratch them. It isn't normal allergy. 

Read this article : http://www.aids911.com/what-can-we-learn-from-hiv-allergy-signs-and-symptoms.html

HIV allergy signs or symptoms in many cases are noticed in anyone who has caught the HIV virus. Via this short article we’ll discuss more about HIV outbreaks, the signs and symptoms. An HIV breakout can be explained as a kind of allergic reaction that the HIV stricken person often see on the the pores and skin. There’re also circumstances once the real allergy made an appearance because of the medicines the person typically takes so that you can keep up with the infection in check. With different couple of research about 85% of HIV stricken men and women experience HIV breakout in life. 

         HIV allergy can be explained as an element of the pores and skin, merely raised, with small humps. The gap between HIV allergies and some other type of outbreaks could be the skin discoloration that varies around the individuals skin color. Once the stricken person has mild or gentle complexion then your allergy is often crimson or reddish brown. Once the person has dim complexion the allergy is brown or darkish crimson. 

        The real HIV allergy usually turns up two to three days following a contamination and is not so unusual amongst people. Sadly it is considered to become one of the later signs of HIV. Due to this, it is best to comprehend the signs of HIV and then try to ask for physician’s help.
        The real HIV breakout generally leads to the skin to be scaly in addition to dried up. Frequently it’s similar to an undesirable situation of pores and skin psoriasis. The particular signs and symptoms of HIV outbreaks in females are usually combined with genital sore spots as well as vaginal genital warts. 

        These symptoms of this allergy in ladies are extremely as well the signs and symptoms of HIV outbreaks in males. These signs and symptoms contain genital sore spots as well as vaginal warts. Signs of serious HIV breakout are often shedding of your skin that may result in sore spots in addition to sores round the genital organs. As well as the vaginal the particular HIV allergy could also be visible on the facial skin which mainly happens inside the very first stages of the treatment.

 And now, try to distinguish and examine carefully if this red spots is exactly what the article wanted to show :

You'll never noticed and identify me thru tracing my physical appearance and my pics here, If you able to identify me in person, so what?


My HIV Manifestation : Signs & Symptoms - Do you have it?

S for Signs & SY stands for Symptoms : Let's enumerate them!

Yes, I do experienced signs of having HIV but I don't have any diseases or infection caused by opportunistic pathogens which most of them are very fatal and severe treatment needed. I try to do my best to minimize exposure to any possible cause of catching such devastated opportunist like CMV, Toxoplasmosis, Candida albicans, staphylococcus aureus and etc.

At this moment, I experienced unusual signs which much common in early stage of having HIV, as follows :

1. Burning sensation on the occipital portion widens to the temporal part of head down to my whole back till lumbar curve of my back. It happens during late afternoon from 5pm till the rest of the night. When hot sensation strikes, it stimulates my sudoriferous glands (sweat glands) to produce excessive amount of sweat and release it profusely plus worsen by the odor, it's not what you think - it doesn't mean I have BO, its smell like a oxidize alcohol, not ammonia, not pungent, it smelled like a lower dose of mothballs with moderate scent of alcohol. I'm not good in describing fragrances as I don't use perfume, it will just junk my body odor.

Since I'm working, I always bring extra shirt, and washed my upper body before I went home as I'm only commuting from home to work. While in the apartment,  Electric fan turns to 3rd power to alleviate extreme heat sensation and got a shower before I doze off. That's the only ways to compensate my health condition everyday.

2. Last July, I got blepharitis accompanied by dry eyes, "inflammation of the eyelids". If you noticed it, there's a redness on the eyelids looks like I used a red eyeliner. On the eyelashes, you can saw few flakes dandruff like crust. 

Internet Source : http://www.thebody.com/content/art32841.html -  Based on this URL, Blepharitis infection caused by Staphylococcus Aureus, it happens once T-Cells goes down count of 100 below. Giving pathogen a chance to invade this exposed part - Eye. I really don't know if my T-Cells is already at that level as I don't have any HUBs for now. I'm worried right now 'bout this condition but I only set them aside from my priority. I really don't know why I don't have courage/los courage to seek medical help. I let all bad things happen. I will post something regarding my condition soon, on other entries.

Blepharitis Management :
Every morning as I get up, I took a bath right away and after, scrape off the accumulated cheesy crust like flakes on my left eyelashes using a damp cloth. Flakes isn't too many, it formed like a normal rheum at normal quantity but unusual coz it was formed on my eyelashes. HIV isn't ordinary virus, it has a unique protein capsid enabling the virus to  protect itself from outside environment. There's lot of ways to remove blepharitis like putting ointment or antibiotic drugs, broad spectrum drugs can kill gram-postive bacteria. I'm into it for now, I can still manage this infection.

3. Worst of all, My moderate HIV-related pimples localize on my whole face, leaving with dark spots after pimple dries out and healed. Honestly, I had several numbers of pimples before but this time would be different, very different in size and appearance. HIV Pimples ( as I used to call it) are itchy and grows like a simple raised skin, just a simple bump on the skin secretes a watery fluid and Once dries out, it harden like a cheesy crust like blepharitis also. It stays for a week and bump subside once it dry out. I didn't do anything with these pimples, I just keep my face clean through regular washing, 3x to 4x a day. However, Washing still depend on the weather condition and amount of oil produced  at certain time.
I'm planning to have a facial treatment but fear still comes first, a facialist may noticed it as a sign of having HIV.

to be continued....don't have enough time....


Result bring me to New Life - HIM

3rd Day of August 2012, Medical Technologist Kathleen gave a white envelope where the lab test enclosed. Before that, She did a post counseling session and we reviewed all details we have discussed from the day I got tested. I can feel that she already knew what the result is and I can perceived his actions and obviously acted that there's really something after the test done.

I slowly opened the envelope and saw the final result - I am Positive for HIV-1 strain confirmed by San Lazaro Hospital MT. That time my breathes falls down, my nerves shaking even my hands shows my feeling - hands appeared moderate cyanosis. I'm dumbfounded, partially shocked, my thinking seemed like floating in the air, can be compared to a empty dumb head, no reception received, wholly nothing and my ears heared nothing but the rhythmic sounds of  heart beating fastly. I thought this feeling happened only during my nightmares but also when a devastated revelation has been disclosed.

Ma'am Kathleen asked me what i felt and eagerly encouraged to express out my emotions - if you want to cry out loud, you can, if you want a tight hug, you can hug me, if you want to talk, i'm here with you - you can do anything you want. She comforted me well and wanted me to talk more and open up. Honestly, there's nothing falls from my eyes, even a single drop of tears, nothing but nothing. I discreetly and strongly showed to her, I'm strong and will never cry in front of her, tried to smile to show I'm not affected. But deep inside, my world ended here, right now, right at this very moment, my dreams shattered and torn out from fires, my body are already rotten. My mind reminiscence and goes flash back of those past hours, past days, past months, past years where my life has no direction, my bad deeds, my loneliness, my fails and success - all were mixed up during that time. From parent to work till experiences - all were mixed up in just a sudden change of time. I know my self well but when it comes to my emotions from the very first, My emotions and imaginations cannot be controlled and can't handle it, can't managed it. I know from the very first, when it comes to loneliness and failures, I can't accept them easily and go forward, it takes me a long period of time to erase them and set them aside. If I would talked 'bout my emotions, these blogs isn't enough to express what I felt.

Back to the Lab : I can't even respond to Ma'am Kathleen and converse with her directly at normal tone, I'm talking in a slurred tone which Ma'am Kathleen noticed after the result.Then, We went to the doctor in charge that day and the Doctor encouraged me to asked question, any questions and any concerns. Doctor evaluate me not physically but emotionally, point out that I have mild depression. She said that I should learn to express and show off my thoughts and emotions. And guaranteed that there's lot of Support Group for HIV, that can help me well. They recommended to go to any HUBs, the information of HIV hubs was also inserted on the envelope where my confirmatory test enclosed.

 I promised to them that I would do my part and visit the HUBs as soon as possible.

Since before I got tested, I already knew lots of information regarding HIV and the Philippines HIV hubs and the ARV's and side effects, its cost - CD4, Viral load, Lab test to be done till PhilHealth Benefits for HIV. I'll get treatment at RITM next week after pay day, right now I'm still preparing my PhilHealth.

After Lab, I went directly to Church and kneel down asking for forgiveness and guidance. Starts now, I'll be back to where I should be with God. I'm planning to do confession soonest and serve God like what I am before.

"I'm bringing back with my new Life"

"I will keep this Blog as my Diary"


HIV Status Paranoid for 19 days - On the Process

 On 16th of July, I strongly visited a diagnostic laboratory all by my self alone in Pasig City to get tested for HIV 1/2. All establishments which rendered and offered HIV testing are instructed to do precounselling & post counselling session in order to be educated, to be well-oriented, well prepared and minimize confusion of the individuals undergoing HIV testing.

It's easy to go to any HIV testing centers but once you're already entered the centers, that point you will really experienced soothing of
tension, accompanied by cold  fingers which shows cyanosis, and involuntary shaking of legs and profused sweating on the forehead, hands, neck and back of the body. Don't worry you're not alone even the author of this blog experienced the same (LOL). 

Anyway, On the center, Front desk officer asked what test would I like to undergone? And I discreetly answered "Yung Package 19 po" and she replied promptly "Sir, you can look here" & handed me a  list of test available at their firm. I finally point out to her the test - STD test Package composed of 4 test namely HBsAg Screening, VDRL test, TPHA test & HIV 1 & 2 test. After then, She told me I would be under precounseling session before HIV test will be done.

While waiting at the receiving area, the television shows caught my attention and partly fade my tension. For a minute later then, RMT called my name and proceed to Treatment cubicle which apparently serves as their counseling room.
RMT introduced her self and me too in return, She discussed few details regarding HIV and asked me few questions. Questions were all  from the their reference papers and after the short-brief infos, She handed me a paper which I need to be filled-up, that paper contained several questions, some questions is okay, while some are fully personal and confidential. 
Note : During answering, Please make sure all details are true and correct based on your will. Details provided can be used as usage for treatment, to provide history and determine possible spread of infection to others.

I proceeded to their extraction area where freshly withdrawn whole blood are collected and a RMT took 2 small test tube quarterly filled with blood from my posterior arms portion near elbow where median basilic vein and median cephalic vein superficially visible.

RMT uttered if I'm afraid to see blood and I just humbly replied "No, not at all" .It just simply need deep breathes to withdraw the blood and relieve my nerv from existing during collection (hehehe) - trying to be calm and found it easy as the plunger pulled back
And my blood are ready for processing, Blood will be centrifuge to separate every parts from cellular components : RBCs, WBCs, Platelets to Plasma (55% total blood volume). After all steps, RMT advised to get my results late afternoon tomorrow. I'm gettin' nearer to my results and my panoia will soon be treated as test has been starting now. 
But on the next day, I received a message from RMT informing me to wait for few weeks till 1st week of August before they received the results as the test was forwarded to their main laboratory and will be confirmed at San Lazaro Hospital. That message marks my day, it's already circulating on my mind that there's something wrong with these tests, suspicious and perceived the initial true message behind this written message.  From that day till August 2, every day I'm counting seconds, minutes, hours to days, can't stop thinking for the results, it puts me on prolong paranoia, can't think well  during works, can't even talked spontaneously for over the phone conversation, sometimes isolate me can't get along with others as I'm deeply thinking for the test everyday.

"All is well"

to be continued.......