3rd Day of August 2012, Medical Technologist Kathleen gave a white envelope where the lab test enclosed. Before that, She did a post counseling session and we reviewed all details we have discussed from the day I got tested. I can feel that she already knew what the result is and I can perceived his actions and obviously acted that there's really something after the test done.
I slowly opened the envelope and saw the final result - I am Positive for HIV-1 strain confirmed by San Lazaro Hospital MT. That time my breathes falls down, my nerves shaking even my hands shows my feeling - hands appeared moderate cyanosis. I'm dumbfounded, partially shocked, my thinking seemed like floating in the air, can be compared to a empty dumb head, no reception received, wholly nothing and my ears heared nothing but the rhythmic sounds of heart beating fastly. I thought this feeling happened only during my nightmares but also when a devastated revelation has been disclosed.
Ma'am Kathleen asked me what i felt and eagerly encouraged to express out my emotions - if you want to cry out loud, you can, if you want a tight hug, you can hug me, if you want to talk, i'm here with you - you can do anything you want. She comforted me well and wanted me to talk more and open up. Honestly, there's nothing falls from my eyes, even a single drop of tears, nothing but nothing. I discreetly and strongly showed to her, I'm strong and will never cry in front of her, tried to smile to show I'm not affected. But deep inside, my world ended here, right now, right at this very moment, my dreams shattered and torn out from fires, my body are already rotten. My mind reminiscence and goes flash back of those past hours, past days, past months, past years where my life has no direction, my bad deeds, my loneliness, my fails and success - all were mixed up during that time. From parent to work till experiences - all were mixed up in just a sudden change of time. I know my self well but when it comes to my emotions from the very first, My emotions and imaginations cannot be controlled and can't handle it, can't managed it. I know from the very first, when it comes to loneliness and failures, I can't accept them easily and go forward, it takes me a long period of time to erase them and set them aside. If I would talked 'bout my emotions, these blogs isn't enough to express what I felt.
Back to the Lab : I can't even respond to Ma'am Kathleen and converse with her directly at normal tone, I'm talking in a slurred tone which Ma'am Kathleen noticed after the result.Then, We went to the doctor in charge that day and the Doctor encouraged me to asked question, any questions and any concerns. Doctor evaluate me not physically but emotionally, point out that I have mild depression. She said that I should learn to express and show off my thoughts and emotions. And guaranteed that there's lot of Support Group for HIV, that can help me well. They recommended to go to any HUBs, the information of HIV hubs was also inserted on the envelope where my confirmatory test enclosed.
I promised to them that I would do my part and visit the HUBs as soon as possible.
Since before I got tested, I already knew lots of information regarding HIV and the Philippines HIV hubs and the ARV's and side effects, its cost - CD4, Viral load, Lab test to be done till PhilHealth Benefits for HIV. I'll get treatment at RITM next week after pay day, right now I'm still preparing my PhilHealth.
After Lab, I went directly to Church and kneel down asking for forgiveness and guidance. Starts now, I'll be back to where I should be with God. I'm planning to do confession soonest and serve God like what I am before.
"I'm bringing back with my new Life"
"I will keep this Blog as my Diary"